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Monday, July 29, 2013

This Is Why I Am Single...


I have hobbies.  Like recording dubstep with a jazz guitar?

Today, I begin this blog with choices you can make.  The first part of these choices is of reading an existing blog I wrote on the same level as this a few months ago here and the second choice is to continue reading the current blog, which is just fine as well.  

When I was in the earlier part of my twenties I had pretty strong personal ideas about dating and relationships in general.  Since that time and after a bit of personal growth, my ideas have progressed into other areas, but still begged questions and opinions that I really do not understand.  Are we going about the whole courtship idea incorrectly?  Maybe, but that is not why I am writing this and allowing you to make your own conclusions is really why I post these random smatterings of vernacular publicly in the first place.  

I think too many of us are looking for the wrong people or maybe just confused about what is best for us in relationships and there is no bigger offender of this than myself.  Putting effort into the wrong sort of women seemed to be my thing for a while.  None of that means I went on dates all the time, because that is not a part of who I am either, but those I have been interested in were completely wrong for me - always.  This is not to say that I went out with some women, found out the compatibility was not there and amicably parted ways, but think more on the level of a fair amount of effort going into those situations when I knew failure was guaranteed to be on the horizon.  I have grown since then and come to a few conclusions on my own about my habits of post-modern stupidity, but I digress.

The last relationship I was in happened over two years ago and ran for around four months.  She was someone I knew in the past, from the days of my late teens and someone I knew was always interested in me, but never acted on it.  Add in a few attempts of contact from her end and everything seemed pretty jazzy to me.  The person I had known from five years prior seemed to have grown up in a few ways and she played that role very well for about two months time, and then the mask came off and her real self began to show through.  Even today, and with all of the lies and deception, I will not call her a bad person, but I will say she was extremely dishonest to me and not at all fitting into the romanticized idea of who she was to me during the first few years we knew each other.  I should have known better and should have seen the signs, but being on the resilient side as I am and believing what I wanted to within the relationship was a downfall for me.  Since that time I have spent nearly three years alone, not gone on a single date, and am pretty content with my life.  Through all of this, I have been able to sit back and realize that every (though few) woman I have had some sort of dating relationship with has ended exactly the same way as the last one.  Awesome.

Why have I told you this?  My story all boils down to the things I see in my daily life because I pay a bit more attention to my surroundings. I also have more than one person who seems to depend on me for moments of clarity concerning their personal lives, which has been consistent since my teenage years. 

The way I see the world of dating now is one of high expectations and romanticizing the character of others unrealistically.  This is not true in every case, but stay with me for a moment and do not count yourself as the exception right off the bat.  Being one who spent too many years going for women who had nothing in common with me or my goals has shown just how easily our minds can be unnecessarily fogged within a set moment.  The problem is that I see too many people doing exactly what I have done and not even realizing their fault.  Seeing someone as the being you think they are is easy, but this all comes back down to the word I have mentioned twice now "romanticizing".  

Have you ever told yourself the same lie over and over in your head to the point of actually believing it (everyone has, and do not claim "exception" on this one)?  Well, we do this with people also.  I had a set of lies conjured up in my head about the type of person the last woman I dated was.  Within my own thoughts were those of her being very driven and motivated in what she was doing and where her life's goals were set.  Had we kept the toxic relationship going, I would probably still believe it all to this day, but I had a moment of clarity.  During that moment in time, she was not really gaining any momentum in her life, but she sure liked to talk as if she were.  Being the supportive person I am,  I looked past what was right in front of my face and made a choice to believe she was the same, driven person I had known a few years prior; but older and more experienced with life.  No.  I was wrong and it took me listening to the opinions of others before I saw what was really there;  nothing.  Someone probably exists for her in the world, but it surely was not me.  The problem is, I see people going through the same, senseless internal thought processes I have gone through with not just my last girlfriend, but any of the few before her.  

I see driven and motivated women dating men who act as if they have similar qualities, but really are just playing a part or continually saying "one day I will be/do..." without taking the steps to become the greatness they speak so highly of. 

I see men dating women like I did, who do everything they can to make themselves seem perfect without really showing what sort of person lives within them.  After a few months' time or less, it all falls apart because we eventually have no idea who we are seeing as they stand before us.  

Either of the above can go into a gender reversal very easily. The truth of the matter lies in the fact that too many of us are chasing down the wrong people because of the silly ideas we have about them in our heads or the perceptions of who we have made ourselves believe they are.
"She's hot."
"He's cute."
"Talented"
"Funny"
"Wealthy"
Yet, those attributes only go so far and if either of those involved in the relationship are so many steps ahead of the other in life while one slacks in effort or chases a risky path without an alternate plan in the works, what are we doing?  

This is not about money, this is about going after life with everything you have.  Success is not measured in a paycheck or in goals.  Goals are simple to set, but it takes effort to achieve them.  That was my problem.  My goals were big and at the time I was reaching them, but the person I was involved with was not pushing to meet theirs, so what did we have in common?  Sure it was not life, because she was not living her's.  

Closing this out, take my advice and be sure you surround yourself with people who not only share similar goals, but similar motivations and act upon them accordingly.  I made the mistake of following those taking the easy road through life for much too long.  Do not expect anything of anyone else, but rather allow them to surprise you with their success and if you do not see it coming to fruition, be prepared to make a change.  

As for me?  I have not been on a date since the day my last girlfriend and myself broke up and I am just fine with that.  My confidence is now high enough that I do not hesitate to tell any woman that she is pretty or charming if inclined to do so, with nothing romantic attached to the act.  Many women assume they are being hit on by me, but once they get to know the person I really am, the person I wear on my sleeve everyday, they often tell me that I am unlike any other person they have met.  Humble bragging?  No way. 
I have just taught myself to be the real me at all times.
I go into no personal conversation with an expectation.
I live my life for who I am.
I want to show you can be caring without a motive.
But I am not what women actually want.
I am happy being alone.

Grace and Peace,
    -Drew

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Twitter:  @JDrewSilvers
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