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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

This Is Why I Am Single: Part Two

This came from the Instagram of a local radio personality.

My fourth most popular blog, as evidenced from my home page is titled:
"This Is Why I Am Single" 
and is something I wrote when questioned about why I am at this age and not married, or whatever.  While I spent a great deal of time writing that blog, I have been thinking things over for a few days and realized I am missing a few bits to that puzzle.  

A few nights ago, I went to my favorite restaurant and one of the hostesses I had not seen in a while was there.  She is a high school girl (don't get any stupid ideas) and extremely sarcastic.  Somehow, after a little casual banter, I made a comment about writing everyday after work and how living alone is a big help in that department since my distractions are pretty limited.  
Then she said it:
"You'll find a girl someday and won't have to live alone anymore."
Hey,  I cannot blame her for saying that, because for most people (admittedly or not) that is the standard practice of life, and I have no problem with her saying so - but it is not where I am right now.  The truth is, I do not "have" to live alone by any means and if I wanted a girlfriend, scrounging one up probably would not be all that difficult because there are heaps of women out there desperate enough to date me (joke) and we could collectively make our lives miserable after rushing into something (not a joke).

Me?  
I am not into the whole "Every waking hour." concept at the moment.  What I mean by this is the need to have someone latched onto me at all times, which is what seriously threw me off in the beginning of my last relationship.  She wanted to see me everyday after work and also weekends, which is fine if you both are into the idea, and I always thought I would be; but no.  I spent quite a few years wanting exactly what I had going on at the time, but when it was finally standing in front of me, I became more and more indifferent about what was happening.  This had nothing to do with me not caring or wanting to be around her at all or do fun and interesting things, but had everything to do with not having much space to just be me and do my own thing.  Time together is great, do not get me wrong on that front, but going from being pretty content and solitary in my ways to immediately flipping a switch, throwing me into a world I thought I wanted but did not was rather shocking and disconcerting.  This worked for a month or so, because I assumed it to be normal, but after a while things started to fall apart for many reasons, one of which was that I did not need to be around her continually.

When she neglected her friends, I told her to go see them and not have me tag along every time.  Girls night?  Go for it.  An event I was not very interested in?  I would go if she wanted me to, but I was just fine with her taking someone else who would enjoy said event a bit more.  Again, none of that was because I did not care and none of that is saying I did not want to see her - however, I did not want to see her all the time - we were not at that point.  

The truth is, she and I were not meant to be together for more reasons than me not wanting to be attached to her arm continually, but the idea was a contributor.  She, like so many other people out there, sought out the type of person who relished in the manufactured jealousy of her companion, which showed me her confidence needed moments like that to stay in check - that was not me.

What I mean by "manufactured jealousy" is how in the beginning, she would not hang around other guys without me and when she finally did, expected me to take issue with it.  Had they done anything questionable to her, I would have handled the situation, but who am I to say who she could or could not be around? 
She hated every bit of that because, apparently, if I did not get emotionally charged when she talked to another guy, I was not doing my job or serving my purpose; which makes no sense to me at all.
Again, we broke things off for many more reasons than the "Every waking hour." factor but because of this, she became more distant on her own over time and spent more of her free hours with others to spite me, but that was the beginning of the end anyway and people are free to live their own lives.  There were much bigger issues happening between us, though my lack of such a typical trait probably aided in the momentum of a few of those issues.

Did I cry when it ended?  Nope.  I saw it coming with a running start.  Actually, we never even fought about anything at all until over a month after we broke up and the only reason that hilarity came to be was because I refused to communicate with her.  She was pretty determined and worked her way under my skin enough that I countered her anger once and have not spoken to her since, though she has tried twice from that day to make amends and be "friends".  No thank you.  I do not care for the drama which would inevitably come around had I accepted the offer.
Attempting to have a tainted friendship is never worth wasting time upon - trust me.

My vow to erase drama works both ways with me and I have more than one witness I can use to back up the fact that I do exactly what I am about to tell you.  Use any of this as a point of reference, because I am not giving advice, but this is something I came up with which works for me.

I have business cards for my blog and they look like this:
The blurry part is my phone number that I smudged because I do not want it plastered on the internet. 

Considering most people seem fairly non-repulsive at first introduction, handing them a card to check out my blog is no big deal - with one exception:  boyfriends and husbands.  

The very first person I gave one of those cards to was a young woman who works at the same restaurant I mentioned before.  She is in her twenties, very attractive, and that day was the first time we had ever met.  We talked as I ate dinner and she at one point mentioned her boyfriend she had been with for a while.  I wanted her to read my blog since she seemed interested enough, but before handing her a card, I said:
"I'm going to give you this, but just so it doesn't seem weird, I'm going to do something to it first."
I then took out my pen and scribbled over my phone number before handing it to her.  This showed her that I was not at all trying to pick her up, nor trying to cause any sort of drama with her boyfriend, should he somehow happen to run across my card (that crap unnecessarily follows me around like the plague anyways).  This is a small step I take to stay out of places I should not be.
Drama sucks.  Having someone hate me for no reason does not bother me, but why allow something so stupid to happen if you can easily avoid it?
    
What the heck does all of this mean?  
"You probably want to be alone for the rest of your life, Drew."
That is not true, because being alone can get pretty boring.  I just tend not to follow the same ideals as most whom I come across, which keeps me happy and away from the variety of complicated stress I would rather not deal with.  

"But you make it more complicated, by not compromising."
Let me tell you something, the shit stank long before I stepped in it.  
Games are something I have sworn off in any degree and have no desire to revert to.  Just as I have written about over a very large span of time and practiced in my own reality, life should be simplified in the ways we are able to control it - for me, that means letting go of the silly little instances involved in our mating practices (sounds weird when you use that term, huh?) and just being real with everything while still having fun and growing.

Realistically, I have a huge compassion for people who put value in life and if you are important to me, this holds even more true.  I do like the closeness of being with someone and I do like the feeling of being important to that person as well as them being important to me, but at the end of the day, we allow silly "obligations", expectations, and intentions to plague our relationships far too often for my liking.  If you thrive on the mushy-squishy, public displays of affection, jealousy, and identification, that is fine and I wish you the most success in your bond with whomever meshes with you solidly - be yourself.

That is not me though.
At least not now.
People define comfort and security in different and unique ways.
I am not afraid of relationships - I just want one that matters.
I am not afraid of marriage - I just want security and no pressure.
I am not afraid of love - But it takes work and time to love someone because it is not easy.

Beauty is a different concept for everyone, but if you find beauty in someone, tell them with no intentions nor expectations.  
Respect creates honor, and in honor we find happiness.
Do not define your relationship.  Live it together instead - not like everyone else.

Grace and Peace,
-Drew

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Email:  drewcoustic@gmail.com
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