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Monday, April 7, 2014

I'll be honest with you - I've fallen off a bit.
It's not for a lack of trying, however, because truth be told, I'm trying harder than I ever have at anything in life.

Over the past year I thought the single most stressful thing I would ever do was to write my book.  I'm talking about hours upon hours after arriving home for the day, pouring every bit I had left into my writing and still managing to keep up with the blog you're reading right now.  Never once did I take for granted that people like you were still paying attention to me and never once did I manage to slip away and lose my commitment.  
Then I lost the book deal.
And I was okay with that.

The past month or so has been pretty crazy for me.  When it rains, it pours and when you start chasing something, it feels as if you are getting so close to accomplishing your goals and everything finally coming together, but it doesn't.  Then you push harder.

People are looking at me.
People are looking at me even more in other places than they are on here.
Just because I haven't kept as much up to date on my blog as I want to doesn't mean I have stopped and doesn't mean I have slacked.  I'm tired everyday because people are looking at me, and guess what?  
I'm still writing - it just isn't on here.
Not now at least, because other people who are paying attention to me are going over it with a fine toothed comb and not saying much about anything just yet.
I haven't told anyone that, but now you know.

I stay awake sometimes because all I want to do is write more on here, but I know I can't keep my eyes open and head cleared enough to put anything of reason into written words.  Truth be told, this process of the back and forth does make me miserable, but it is a welcomed misery.
The sinking feeling is what keeps me going and keeps me pushing.  I don't have enough hours in the day to do everything I want and I don't have enough moments of being awake to put everything into coherent sentences.  But I am still writing and I am still setting goals. Other goals.

People probably get sick of me saying little tidbits about being sober, but I don't care because that is one of the greatest accomplishments in my life.
Writing a book that hasn't been published yet wasn't it.
Having small-scale successful blog isn't it either.
I wouldn't be so tired if I weren't sober, but that is the beauty within the mess - because I have goals now - because I never, ever want to stop.  Writing, designing, building, establishing new ventures in my life is what I want and that is exactly what I am chasing right now and trying to keep from neglecting anyone.  I want to bring others with me, but I meet more hesitation.

 I see people talk about relaxing and I see people who think the only way they can achieve such is in an altered state of mind as I watch them fall slowly into a hole of losing motivation.  The people who talk about doing things and have convinced themselves they are trying, but they aren't at all.  They're just talking, and talking, and talking.
That was me.
That WAS me.

I'm still going.
I'm still trying.
I'm not sleeping as much as I need to and I think my circulation issues are getting worse, but I am happy being tired and I am happy to be reaching for four different goals right now.

Yeah, I am finally starting to be a little proud of myself. 
Not for anything I have accomplished because I am nothing special and am not all that important.
I'm proud that I am trying and giving every bit I have to every facet of everything I love.
I may fail, but I don't care anymore.
It doesn't matter because I am trying.
Really trying.
Are you?
I'm asking for a friend.

Grace and Peace,



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