Live Your Own Death...

I have been thinking, and not about anything of monumental evaluation, but more realistically than in the past.  Spending considerable time alone can do this to a person, especially when that time is spent in taking long runs on wooden paths.  My constant and my handicap tends to dwell on the reality of death, and none of this has to do with romanticizing the subject nor is me having the wishful thinking that some day I will be in such a place.  Maybe I think far too much, but while there is a calm and freedom of being alone which puts me in a better place, there is always a lingering feeling of whom else may be watching.  Is there someone waiting for me to cross their path when I am not expecting them?  Should I even fear that in general?  My answer is “no”.

I really believe we are all given a set period of time to just be and live the way in which we choose.  Everything happening for a reason and purpose is not realistic at all because we, and nobody but ourselves are the only forces who dictate what we actually are.  One of my closest friends made a choice a few years ago that it was time for his life to be over.  I think about him every day and most likely always will.  My mind fills with thoughts of what he was thinking about when swallowing those pills; when writing the notes I still have not read.  Here I am, watching his children grow up, and he will never know anything about them at all.  In his case, things could have been much different, but as I said, we are who and what we teach ourselves to be.  

I have cheated death more times than I should have by now and have made past decisions which could have ended badly for me.  Everyone does these things which the world would never expect of them due to their own perception of who that person has become over time.  Had my decisions resulted in my demise as a few should have, there would be nobody to blame other than myself, even if some of the onlookers may have blamed themselves through their own eternity.  

Looking back, I have been to more funerals than anyone I know and if anything, this has taught me that we all have just one shot at life.  Living life to the fullest is a cliché which has lost every ounce of meaning since the time of the concept's inception.  What I have learned instead is to live life with a purpose and legacy.  We should make sure we are never forgotten and never end up as just a headstone or a can of ashes catching a breeze.  These are things we should think about and perceptions we should be well aware of as we convey them to others every single day, not just at certain instances of time.  I have been to those funerals and known those people who are remembered as being “nice” and nothing more.  There are those I knew who may have been remembered by a few people, but within a generation will be reduced to a name in the newspaper or on public records.  The typical, the average, the people who died young as no fault of their own, but left behind nothing other than being the definition of “normal” or having the expectations of their generation's silly ideas be the only thing they lived for.  Some ended their lives on their own accord and left bitter and confused people behind, though still nothing of memorable substance.

Do you see what I mean?  There is no purpose in life if we are not remembered for something other than being “typical”.  Not one of us know when we may pass at the hand of someone else, which is why I think about these things when I am running by myself.  I have no sense of paranoia about me, rest assured – I am simply aware of my potential reality.  

The last thing I want to be remembered for is as someone typical of my age.  I never want to be remembered as “Drew the sports fan, car guy, or social butterfly.”, which may as well read “Drew, the forgettable.” I write because I want to leave something permanent behind me and I display it for the public since finding it in a box after I die means nothing has served its purpose and I will still be forgotten.  

Remembered by the masses?  No, just a few outside of my circle who would not think me as average.  Truthfully, we are who and what we surround ourselves with and thus will be remembered by those same parameters.  Keep me away from being normal.  

Take a risk every now and then, but do not make the same mistake twice.

Listen to yourself with a clear head and never take anyone for granted.

Escape what the world expects of someone your age.

Give the world something to talk about.

You never know when your time will come to a close.

You're rarely as "epic" as you appear on Facebook.

Grace and Peace,
-Drew


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Embrace...

Comparisons exist for entrapment
A sense of uniqueness no longer matters
We spend so much time:
The hours, the minutes, and seconds drag on
In this desperate search to find something
That one thing, that one person
Maybe an action, or just some signature
We always fail to look
Spiking judgment on the caring instead
Ignoring the adoration instead
Seeking out others for worse instead
Assuming that life and dependencies
Assuming the people and support
Assuming for the sake of assumption
We will always have the common
The things we expect from those who adore us
We expect them to always exist
Throw to the side the things which matter
Live our lives not paying attention
Unopened eyes miss amazing moments
Neglected opportunities reflect pain
Sometimes we do not see this
Even the brilliant show ignorance
One day, time catches up to us
Some time soon, we could be alone
The comparisons should stop
Time should be allowed to stop
We, as people can stop
To embrace before we throw it all away
Open those blinded eyes...

Grace and Peace,
-Drew


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Career Hopscotch Of The Millennial Generation...

You read this blog apparently, so you know I have this romanticized idea about life in the nineteen fifties which goes right along with the same romance I have about city dwelling;  meaning I have have my slightly rosy Wayfarers on my face.  Regardless of my stupid metaphors, I have been thinking about what the heck is going on with us in our job market and career sector.

My deceased grandfather was a meat cutter/butcher in a supermarket and my deceased grandmother was your typical officer worker.  They bought their retirement house long before retiring and actually paid it off in full with enough years to enjoy it as they should have.  Also, my two uncles worked in the same concrete block factory for a few decades as hourly, full-time employees and both own their homes, some other property, nice vehicles, and have enough retirement to live more than comfortably for the rest of their years.  What?

I am not sure what is going on exactly because I am no economist so putting my finger on the source of the issue is a bit difficult, but something is off in this day and time.  We went from having generations of comfortable and happy people to whatever this is we are in now.  I am well aware of the fact that my grandparents had a taxing marriage from time to time, both of my uncles have divorced, and all of them had their own financial struggles smattered within their histories.  My grandmother, both uncles, and myself had a pretty hearty fight with alcohol at some point in our lives, so we are not all that different, and if nothing else bleed the same DNA.  As people, we Millennials have the same struggles and temptations as those who came before us, but the difference is just that - something is very different. 

These days we move around more than we take the time to actually dwell and build our lives as those two generations ahead of us did.  This holds true in our jobs, our homes, and our relationships as well.  Being somewhat transient is just fine in some situations, but I feel as if some of us Millennials are taking advantage of the mindset a bit.  Maybe I am showing my ignorance, but I know quite a bit of people who leave good, stable jobs they enjoy to chase another job for the sake of a bigger paycheck and nothing more.  Not that these people hated their career, were ever struggling financially and needed a higher paying position or anything of the sort, nor did they want to move cities, but I know few who will put in a solid three year employment anywhere before chasing the next higher salary of the unknown - just for the dollar.  But I am seeing it start to catch up to them.

The closer I get to my thirties, the more I see people a bit older than me who bounce from one career path to another wondering where the time went.  They also wonder what has happened to their employer-backed retirement plans which have been jumbled into a mess from company to company;  some of which are nearly worthless for that reason.  I am not saying that we should work for the singular goal of retirement, but with as educated as we are in this generation, most of us sure do have a difficult time paying attention to that sort of thing.  I mean, why pay attention to the future when you can invest more time into learning hard stats of professional sports instead of understanding your finances or personal career goals or actually owning something tangible?  How about leaving some sort of legacy behind when you die, because sometime, sooner or later you will?  Right.  Why enrich your life and figure out who you are when you have an iPhone to distract you, expensive vacations to go on, and hungover mornings every weekend to look forward to?  

The thing is, I cannot see many at all around my age being in a financial state as comfortable as so many of those two generations before us - most of whom were blue collar without a college education.  Actually, there are quite a few Millennials who will be paying on student loans the size of a monthly mortgage payment for more than half of their lifetime.  

We were told to do that.  

We were told to go out and chase the dollar before anything else.  

We were told to live our dreams on a whim which lead to going about it all wrong without thinking of potential consequences.
Everyone was given a trophy in little league...

The thing is, we listened because we knew nothing else and believed as we were told.  Thinking on our own terms and having sustained mentally practical growth was an unknown entity to so many of us because we were sheltered.
Is this every Millennial?
No, but I can confidently stake a majority claim on these thoughts.

I just think we lack the structure which once existed in our previous generations.  Yes, times have changed, technology is much different now, and we are more educated as a whole, but maybe stepping back to a different mindset would be good for us.  Maybe we could learn a few things from those geezers who are sitting on their front porches, looking at us and saying:  "What the hell?"

Really, though...

What the hell?

Grace and Peace,
-Drew


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"Creative" Is A Noun - Not A Verb...Part 1.

Sometimes you slowly grow into a certain demographic until you have one of those monumental realizations that you should have been following said direction a little more closely in life.  I am talking about "creatives" and they (we) are somewhat set apart and distinct from those who do not have such traits to claim.  

Just to get this out in the air a little more quickly, I will say that there is no form of elitism in being a creative as a whole, but there are just as many cocky and arrogant people which throw a blanket of stereotype over the entire lot.  The thing is, we cannot really help who we are and how we are wired, but a few take the wrong approach.  Some of us came into the creative realization when we were young and some (like me) picked up on the fact much later. 

With that, I will share some discoveries with you which have come to me through my own experience.

Creatives are just fine being alone.

Within this age of video games and social disconnect through technology, it is easy to lump us all into a big grouping of awkwardness.  The truth of the matter is that I am well aware of being alone, and am in that state fairly often.  When I was a teenager, I wanted to have something in the works every weekend and never allow myself to just be by myself.  Since I have a creative psyche, I now wonder what I may have missed out on after spending too little time invested in myself for being distracted with insignificant happenings.  I have a phone full of contacts I could use to have something to do every waking hour when I am not working, but if I were doing so at this point, there would surely be missed opportunity in my writing, expression, or music.  After years of never wanting to be by myself, go to dinner alone, or just sit in silence, it is now something I cherish.  All of my most favorite writings have come from my time spent alone, focusing on myself;  they are also the pieces I am the most proud of.  None of this is saying I would reject an opportunity to do things with others, but saying creatives do not always require social settings and sometimes are just as healthy alone when left to their own thought processes.

Most creatives hate Pinterest.

I have a Pinterest account, but I have never actually logged on and it only exists so someone else does not claim my username.  A fair share of hate may be brought in my direction for saying so, but Pinterest is generally a nightmare for creatives because you get a bunch of people reproducing the original ideas of the people who actually came up with something unique.  Feeding off of ideas is one thing, but claiming creativity for replicating someone else's idea is an entirely different story.  Claiming something as your own after finding it as a post on Pinterest is about as relevant as saying:

"He makes great pot roast in the slow cooker."

Meat, potatoes, onions, carrots, water, bullion, set timer...Anyone with two hands and a crock pot can do that and this is how most creatives feel about Pinterest.  There is nothing wrong with using the site, as long as nobody claims anything plagiarized from it as their own creation. 

Creatives are into details.

Within everything that I have seen in my twenty-seven years, there are just as many unorganized creatives as meticulous, but on either side of the fence, the details are always important.  When I was nineteen, I bought this car:

After driving the car back home that very day, I took out my tools and gutted the interior.  The car was like new, but the stereo was awful.  Being one with a developed musical ear, I could not drive the car for any length of time without first replacing the head unit, speakers, and adding amplifiers and subwoofers to it.  Having clear music in my ears is just as important to me as the joy of driving a muscle car like my Firebird was - I have done this with every car I have owned since then as well.  I pick out details in music and that is a part of my creative mannerisms, so I like to hear it clearly.  The same holds true for anything within the interest of creatives because the idea of "good enough" is never enough concerning creative detail in the things we enjoy.  

Creatives enjoy personal exploration.

I get annoyed when people say they only listen to one type of music or limit themselves to what is played on the radio - there is much better music out there, I promise.  As with anything else fitting in the scope of genres, creatives do not like limiting themselves to what happens to be popular at the time (and no, this doesn't mean "hipster") but would rather take it upon themselves to give a "hit or miss" approach to most things in life.  Before I was intelligent enough to give any real consideration to Electronic Dance Music (EDM), I always thought it was garbage and irrelevant - then I started exploring a little.  After watching a few videos about how EDM is made, my opinion changed and I have grown to appreciate it much more than I did in the past.  

Example (listen to the depth in the music):

Much like anything with a set of rules, creatives would rather explore things on their own.  Part of the reason of why I have not finished restoring my Mustang even though I am not that far away from completing it is because it is so mechanical and mapped out in a certain order and process to me.  That was the first car I ever had, but at this point in time, I would rather break out a welder, some grinders, and an obsolete engine to build a Rat Rod out of some rusted out beater car pulled from a barn.  Building a car like that would allow me to cut it to pieces and construct it in trial and error, just how I want to.  But my Mustang is a number's matching, original car so I could never bring myself to chop it up in such a way - it is meant to be built just like my shop manual tells me to.  My current want is to build a rolling metal sculpture - my Mustang is too pretty for that, so I am letting it sit for a while.  I really want to transplant a 1940's-era Ford Flathead V8 into a late model Ford pickup truck.  Not because it makes sense, but because it makes none at all and would be a challenge to fabricate.  The latter idea is in the same boat with current bands releasing vinyl albums, or the people who make their own clothing - there is no practical reason for any of it, but that makes it even more challenging and fulfilling for them.

Part two will be out soon.  Stay tuned.

Grace and Peace,
-Drew

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I Have A Strange Driving History...

When I was a kid, I had an obsession with baseball until about the age of ten.  After years of playing in leagues every Saturday during the season, I lost interest and starting paying attention to cars instead.  All I wanted was to be sixteen years old, with a driver's license because the only thing I wanted to do was drive a car.  However, I have had a bit of a rocky history with being able to drive my cars when considering being pulled over by the police for (often) no reason.

Allow me to share.

From ages sixteen to eighteen, I had both of these cars and did not even get pulled over once:

Sixteen, driving a muscle car and no infractions.  Crazy.

In 2005, I bought this car:

And was pulled over for speeding at 2:00AM.

The ticket was written off after I did a stint of traffic school.

Then some idiot pulled into my lane and killed my pretty Z28 Camaro:

In 2006, I was driving my Firebird Formula with my best friend in the car and was pulled over for speeding again:

This was the only ticket that ever stuck, but it gets better...

In 2007, I was driving this:

-I was pulled over in the parking lot where I worked at 5:00AM.
Because I was...going to work...and it looked suspicious?
-I was also pulled over going to a church event in downtown Atlanta because the cop thought I wasn't wearing a seat belt.  I was wearing a brown polo which matched the color of my seat belt.
No tickets.

I bought and restored this MGB in 2008. 

The same week I bought the car, I was pulled over on my way to the tag office because the previous owner had cancelled the registration, which is exactly what I was headed to do when the cops lit me up.
No Ticket.

Also, in 2008, I started driving this:

In 2008 alone, in this car I was pulled over for:

-Illegal window tint (which the officer tested and came back legal).

A few months later...

-Suspicion of a DUI when a cop saw me drink out of a glass ginger ale bottle.

No tickets.

In 2009, I was riding this:

Pulled over for:

-Weaving.  I was doing a controlled weave, within my own lane to warm up my tires because it was below thirty degrees outside.
No ticket.

A few months later...

-Improper eye protection.  This one was my fault, but the cop wrote the ticket incorrectly as false identification, so the the city wrote it off.

In 2010, in this car AGAIN: 

I was pulled over for:

-Another suspicion of a DUI for drinking water out of a Nalgene bottle (I'm not kidding).

No Ticket.

In 2011, I was pulled over in this:

For a registration issue I didn't know about.  The cop squared it away on the spot.

No ticket.

In 2012, I didn't get pulled over a single time...

However!

This year, 2013, I was pulled over while driving my mother's car for an un-illuminated license plate in May.

 This morning, November 22nd, I was pulled over in this car, again:

For a burned-out tail light.

No tickets.

Let us recap my driving history:

-I have been pulled over a total of thirteen times, but actually received only one ticket.

-I have only been in one collision, and it was not my fault.

-I am the most cautious driver you have ever met, but still get pulled over for suspicion.

-I don't drink at all anymore, but when I did, I did not drive.

I blame nobody for any of this, but just thought I would share.  For a while I was a bit bitter, but now I just brush it all off and laugh at the frequency in which I spend time talking to cops on the side of the road.  This is all normal to me now.
Give life a good laugh and move right along.

Grace and Peace,
-Drew

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Don't You Think That It's Boring How People Talk...

Most of us were given the gift of speech.  The moving of our mouths and tongues, passing breath across our lips to make these noises is our most common medium of communication, but also the most dangerous.  Words we speak can bring joy, encouragement, laughter, and comfort.

What about the other side?

What happens when we speak a bit too much?

What happens when we are more comfortable writing certain thoughts instead of actually saying them?

I have taken a very strong notice about our generation and the way we tend to convey how other people perceive us.  Everyone seems to want the perception of happiness to be a trait other people see in us, but the unfortunate reality is how we tend to skew the truth.  What I mean by this is no matter what may be going on in our lives, we often want to broadcast the illusion to the world of our lives being in order or unnaturally good.

With what reason?

I hate to be the person to bring up touchy subjects about personal situations because I do not really enjoy the backlash, but sometimes I feel as if some person out there will be desperate enough to listen.  More often than my comfort allows, I read people expressing how happy they are in their lives, friendships, relationships, or marriages on social media and in person.  There is nothing wrong with being in love and there is nothing wrong with expressing thoughts, moments, or emotions, but I fear something I call "The Line of Truth".

The Line of Truth is that boundary we have as people which lies between our own happiness and the happiness we show to the world around us.  The way I see this line is as a division of our actual state of being and the image we want to convey to everyone else.  

I knew this married couple who would blow up their social media accounts about how great their spouse was.  What I am talking about is not a Facebook post to randomly encourage each other, wish a birthday or anniversary, or congratulate one or the other during a proud moment.  These two would post public statements of how ideal their marriage was and brag on each other daily, or even more frequently.  This continued for a few years, and nearly up to the day I heard they had separated and were filing their divorce proceedings.

What?

Someone I knew when I was much younger and reconnected with did practically the same thing as the couple I mentioned before, but his mistress of flamboyant bragging was money.  Money he did not have.  I can only see so many pictures of expensive watches, new cars, designer clothing, and negligent spending before I stop believing what I am seeing.  Most people who paid any amount of attention would know the four entry-level jobs he had been hired and fired from shortly thereafter within a year's time could not support the lifestyle he claimed to be living.  Then his whole persona was exposed as a complete farce.  At nearly thirty years old, trying to convince the world of his success while being trapped inside his own lie.

Where did that get him?

There are many more examples, but I will stop right there.  I just wonder why we think so much approval is needed by the world that we are willing to live and tailor our entire lives around a lie.  There may be a few ignorant people out there, but I would really like to believe people can see through false stories of greatness as easily as I do.  

Wrapping my brain around having people believe you are anything other than your natural self is very hard for me.  Understanding why we have a need for false acceptance from people who do not matter baffles me to the core of who I am.  

Wait, maybe that is because I actually know who I am.

Maybe it is because I actually know who matters to me.

Maybe it is because I know to whom I matter.

I know the people who love me.

They know who I am.

Do you know who you are?

Grace and Peace,
-Drew

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The lyrics in the title of this blog came from this song:

Passive Loyalty Is An Oxymoron...

Have you ever taken a step back in times of stress to explore a little personal evaluation?

What I mean by this is not concerning yourself within your own mind, but those we cling to when we we have these instances of stress, panic, or need for guidance.

There is a trend within our generation of hitting a wall and then trying everything we can to escape the hindrance, but looking for it in the entirely wrong place.  Socially, we are always looking for something new and more appealing in our lives for the most part and I commonly hear it mentioned as "new and interesting", which works fine on the social scale as long as we do keep this social and outside of a well-developed and personal aspect.  

I will explain.

I have spent time lingering at the bottom of not knowing where to go within my life in many instances such as:

A personal faith struggle.

A crumbled career path.

Alcohol abuse.
(To name the big ones.)

Even though I spent so much time researching and writing papers on psychology and knowing that it was not the best for me, I would still have a tendency to stray from those who could help me through my issues the best - I have not a clue why, but this seems to be common.  

I have my close friends and my family, which I have mentioned before as being very small in number, but very big in purpose;  and there are others who are more of acquaintances which serve a more social, less involved purpose.  I had to take a minute to pause myself at one point when I realized just how much my priorities had been slipping in my support system.  The people who could impact me the most and had stuck by me through everything in life were the ones I was treating more passively while trying to lean on the support and ideas of those who were nowhere near as involved or committed to my life.  

Gathering new ideas and thought processes is a great thing, but what I figured out in the long run is that the more common denominators in my life which made all the difference to me were just that - common.  After a while of leaning on the wrong people or jumping outside of my circle for the type of un-involved, "feel-good" support as opposed to those who had my back unconditionally, I realized my fault.  Passive personal investments hold no ground when you have an arsenal of completely personal and fully invested people backing you up in any situation.  Yet, these people are also easily overlooked because they are sort of expected to be around, or to use the word from a few lines up: "common".  

What happens when you look for something you are in need of in the wrong places?

What if you step away from those who have a keen interest in every part of your being and can offer you more than anyone else?

Sometimes they leave.

Sometimes their departure is justified.

I spent a long time trying to rationalize a certain instance of when I ignored the best of what was in front of me and instead went astray to seek help in the passively invested thoughts of others.

The answers were sitting in front of me, but I spent so long expecting the support to always be there, that I took advantage one of the rare people who was patiently waiting to share the frustrations, anger, and fight for me. 

I never asked.

I should have asked.

What I am saying in all of this is that when a struggle arises, before you decide to seek out anyone who is invested in you trivially or passively, open you eyes to what is standing right in front of you.

We could all use a little clarity.

Do not waste an opportunity.

Never be afraid to ask.

Always appreciate those who have had unabridged loyalty to you.

Grace and Peace,
-Drew

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