A Funny Thing Happened When I Stopped Looking For Signs...

There is a difference between being insensitive and being a realist.  The fun thing is that so many people can't seem to draw a line between the two and end up being disappointed with, well, everything.

Nothing seems to happen as a result of itself or an action of any sort.

What I mean is that we are always looking for a sign or purpose behind everything that goes on in our lives.  This was me for the majority of my life and I sort of expected everything to just fall into order the way it was "supposed to" and as long as I tried hard, I would succeed.  A few years later, I figured out that life didn't really work as I had envisioned and heard so many other people make so much of a fuss about.

I liked looking for signs which were beyond me and my control to somehow pave the way for whatever was in front of me.  You know, let God, the world, or my peers completely steer my life into whatever direction I should have been headed at that time.  

Mistake.

You have probably heard the term "Written in the sand." which asserts that the bigger decisions and choices in your life will be laid out in front of you in a very obvious fashion at some point in time, (we Christians call it the "ah-ha moment") which is neither realistic nor practical if you ever intend to get anywhere or be anything of substance. 

Until a few years ago, I was waiting for a big moment and for something huge to happen in my life as so many other people talk about, until I started paying attention to a distant family member and what she was going through with her (second) marriage.  Facebook posts about how great her husband was and how happy their marriage was flooded my newsfeed to the point that I removed her from my friend list because the squishy factor was so thick that it had to be a lie.

My favorite rapper, Common, once said:

"I hope the stars and the gods align me and you."

Many, many people, including my family member, tend to take that sort of wordplay seriously and the aforementioned Facebook example proves my point.  Actually, what I saw well over a year in advance in that case was a person who needed the reassurance of how great her life was which she achieved by fabricating public posts as a means of covering up her own misery.  She and her husband divorced less than a month after she had put up a post about how happy she was that God had put them together forever.  They just weren't compatible at the end of the day and it was a mutual separation.

The universe did not explode as a result.

Things like that set us up for disappointment and it isn't only in relationships, but everything else as well.  We tend to get pretty romanticized ideas about everything working out in a certain way and for some greater purpose - not by a supernatural design or a deeply rooted prophesy, but because that is what WE want.  Everyone wants that cool story of saying 

"And then he ran over my foot in the Wal-Mart parking lot, drove me to the hospital, and I knew it was destined to be."

or

"Then I cut four of my toes off while wearing flip-flops and mowing the lawn, but the big one was spared because the blade caught the leather strap at just the right angle. My toe was meant to be saved!"

Yeah, those are ridiculous, but do you understand what I am saying now?

I spent most of my life looking for a reason or purpose behind what was or wasn't happening in my life instead of taking the time to actually live my life and allow it to stay in motin.

Then I stopped having expectations and started letting life happen. 

At that point, I started living my life in a way that allowed me to have at least one adventure every single day.  These don't involve crazy happenings which create memorable stories very often, but I at least try to do something outside of my comfort zone everyday.  The only requirement for having your own adventure everyday is that you allow it to be personal, to YOU.  Not a single day has gone by in the past year when I haven't taken an opportunity to either learn a new skill, tweak one already existing, or put myself out on a limb in an attempt to better myself in some way or another.  

I learned that life is not about looking for signs in the sky or waiting for patterns to align in a certain way for happiness to be relevant. 

Life is all about how you react to circumstance, whether positive or negative and whether or not you fail or succeed - it doesn't matter.  You're growing.

The more signs you look for to tell you what to do, the more you miss the big picture that you could be creating of your own life and capturing the smaller moments as a bigger part of it.

Never let the wordplay, the "normal" things, the "typical" behavior, or any expectations have any sort of control over the direction of your future.

You can choose one path to walk, or another.

No matter which direction you choose, you will always have the ability to return as an even more incredible person.

Some things - most things- happen by chance and chance alone.

You determine your own future.

Grab it... 

Grace and Peace,

-Drew

http://www.jdrewsilvers.com

Eleven Things Every Twenty-Something Needs To Stop Doing Immediately

I assembled this list based upon the topics covered on this very blog over the past two years.  While not an authority on life choices, I do pay attention to the way Millennial social life has been evolving over time. It isn't pretty.

Not Knowing The Difference Between Nice People and "Creepy" People

Driving down the road in my Jeep one day with a former friend of mine in the passenger seat, I stopped at a red traffic light.  A few seconds later, my friend says to me:

"Hey, Drew.  This asshole next to us keeps staring at me."

Actually, that isn't what happened because when I came to a stop, out the corner of my eye, I saw him staring at the person next to us straight away.  The guy in the other car was just returning the favor.

This is an example of being creepy and after a few years of realizing just how much of a sociopath this guy was, I broke ties with him and didn't feel bad about it at all.

What I have noticed on the flip side of this whole "speculatively creepy" thing is that the word gets applied to situations where it isn't even relevant.  

In the hetero world, if a guy is interested in a girl who isn't attracted to him, she tells her friends he is creepy.  You can reverse that to swap genders or even reference two of the same gender.  In my experience, I have had a female friend (9:1, my friends are women) who called a guy creepy because he sent her one, single text message asking how her day was going after she had given him her number the day before.  I did call her out on it and asked her what was so crude about such a simple question and she said:

"I just don't think I'm attracted to him."

But you see, what she had done was created a reputation about this guy which was unmerited because she knew absolutely nothing about him. If she had received the same message from Channing Tatum, would he have been considered creepy?

This label needs to stop.

Unless someone has done something that makes you feel extremely uncomfortable and was unnecessary to talk about, getting to know them before making assumptions about their character benefits both you and them.

Making Up Excuses Instead of Telling The Truth

I thought this was something exclusive to the church culture for most of my younger days, but it is actually common across the spectrum.  

If someone asks you to do something with them or asks for a favor, you have every right to refuse the request.  Back in the day, I was probably the world's worst offender about making up stories to get out of things I didn't want to do.  Currently?  I don't see the point of fabricating such a lie and that is exactly how I have lived my life for the past five years or so.  My honesty does turn people off and has ended a few (apparently weak) friendships.

"I have an extra ticket to see Zac Brown.  Want to go?"

"No, thanks."

"Oh, are you busy?"

"Nope, I just don't want to..."

See?  And don't give me the line about it being based on situation and that you can't afford to "hurt" someone by telling them the truth, because you're hurting yourself and them by making up a trail of crap you'll be destined to shovel up later. 

Trust me on this, because I would rather you refuse my request out of preference than have you make up an excuse about seeing your parents when what you're really doing is spending all day walking around your house naked.  Be naked, but at least be honest.

Not Allowing Your Weirdness To Be Personal

Everyone has a weird side and some people are afraid to let that come out.  The thing most don't realize is that sometimes you need to let your bottled up weirdness come out, in public or private.  

Being one with yourself is really important to not just growth itself, but being able to continue growing.  We are taught that having a constant social agenda is important because surrounding yourself with like-minded people is the only way you figure out who you are.

Wrong.

Sometimes you need to be alone and just exist.  This gives you a chance to figure out if you're just following your friends around or actually becoming the person you should be.  

"They want to go to a bar and I'm just not feeling it today, but I have to because that's what we do."

Um, no you don't.

Having a social life of some sort is important until you feel trapped by it.  At that point, taking a little time to step away and invest in yourself becomes much more necessary.  You can always go back to the other stuff later.

Thinking That One Person Has The Ability To Completely Change Your Life

I have seen countless movies and TV shows where you watch a character go from rock bottom and make a massive life change just because they met someone who drastically altered their thinking.

Take it from someone who has an alcohol addiction:

You change for nobody but yourself. Period.

I know this because I tried to stop drinking about half a dozen times over the span of about three years and relapsed every single time.  Why?  Because I was trying to stop so I didn't disappoint my family, my friends, or kill my career.  When I finally quit for good, I did it all on my own accord after realizing the severity of my situation and not wanting to die as a product of my self-fueled disease.  This wasn't some big awakening because my problem never caused me any legal trouble since (surprise!) not all alcoholics have been arrested or done morally compromising things, and I also never went to rehab.  Honestly, I woke up one day and told myself I had to get it together or die young and miserable and that's exactly what I did two years ago.

For me.

Not for you or anyone else.

Avoiding Life's Potential Opportunities Because They Make You Uncomfortable

Most of my life was spent wanting people to tell me what to do on a daily basis.  I liked the fact of not having to think creatively or outside of my comfort zone.  The problem with falling in line with those above you is that you stay in your comfort zone and have unused potential.

"He has so much potential."

But if he doesn't have the balls to use his potential, he is just like everyone else in the world. Nobody was ever successful in any respect of the word for having potential.

Taking action is where you find fulfillment.

Taking The Positive Criticism Of Your Family And Friends As The Most Important

Don't get me wrong, my family and friends are hugely important to me and have been for the entirety of my life.  The problem is, you usually can't bank your criticisms on what they have to say about you because they're biased in your favor.

This holds true in music or any other sort of public performance. It is especially apparent to me because I have seen people take the stage sounding so nasal and out of key that I wanted to stab my eardrums out with a toothpick to make it stop.  Then, of course they walk off the stage and their friends tell them how awesome they were while the rest of those in the room had been scoping out the nearest exit in case the performer decided to play another song.  

The point is, if you do anything passionately that is in view of the public (music, cooking, poetry, figure skating, pole dancing, whatever), gauge the interest of your exposure by those you don't know as opposed to those who are a part of your circle.  That is where your most constructive criticism will stem from.

Wanting Your Career To Be "Famous Person"

You're probably not famous.

You probably won't be famous.

If you do get famous, good for you.

Do what you love because you love it and if you can make a living while achieving notoriety for it, good for you, but hone your skills and make moves without having fame be the ultimate goal.

Being "Creative" By Emulating Other People

In the age of Pinterest, people have stopped thinking for themselves in many ways.  There are loads of good ideas on Pinterest, but people would rather copy what these ideas are verbatim instead of creating their own stuff by digging into their brain.  Sure, some people aren't creative at all and this is just fine for them, but others who do have a creative side find it easier to duplicate what they see because - lazy.

I'm not actually on Pinterest, but someone sent me a link one day that said something like:

"ZOMG! I just saw one of your tables on Pinterest! Look!"

(In my mind, everyone on the internet types like a twelve year old for some reason.)

Someone had taken an Instagram screenshot of one of the industrial tables I had built and put it on there.

Then she asked me if I cared and I said:

"No, I'm actually proud of that, because it shows that people want to copy something I created."

That's when I decided that people should try to be the person who is referenced as a creator on Pinterest rather than be the person who replicates their work.

But, if we're talking about Sesame Street cupcakes for your kid's birthday party, by all means, Pinterest until you can't Pinterest anymore...

Labeling Yourself As A "Trendsetter", "Jetsetter", or "Entrepreneur"

You look like a massive douche.

Even if you're just joking.

Assuming Once You're Out Of School, Your Education Is Over

I had the idea for years that once I was done with school, learning anything new was irrelevant, but that changed.  I'm all for higher education if you know why you're there and didn't just go to college because someone expected you to, but life isn't that easy.  There was a span of about three years when I was comfortable in my job that I didn't learn much of anything - at all.  It wasn't until I lost my job that I realized how important it is to learn everything you can about everything that interests you.  Over the past three years I have been on a constant mission to learn something new and feed my mind at every opportunity.  

I have a really weird "Amadeus" memory which allows me to remember long-term with a ridiculous amount of detail and that was something I didn't really develop until I started investing in self-education.  Reading was an activity I never enjoyed until I started reading about subjects that I liked.  Then I realized that short of being a surgeon and maybe a few other things, there isn't much you can't learn by reading and experiencing the subject matter on your own.  

Formal education is fantastic, but don't allow your degree to have an effect on your continued, personal education.

Doing Things Because You're "Supposed To"

You're not supposed to do anything.  Just because your dad is a doctor doesn't mean you need to be one unless you want to.  Your family being poor doesn't mean you are destined for poverty either.

As Millennials, twenty-somethings, or whatever term you use is concerned, we are supposed to sleep around, go to bars, go to parties we don't care about, and put up with people we don't like.

I have no idea why this is, and even when I was drinking I never followed those social expectations.

We're often trained to live life by who and what we surround ourselves with instead of being who we are. 

Do you have any idea how many people I know who married someone because they thought it was what they were "supposed" to do?

Then had kids because they were "supposed" to?

Then ended up divorced because they had no business doing either of those things?

It's actually pretty frightening to me and I'm not judging anyone, but it's a fact of life in this generation that confuses me to no end.

To close out this entire list, just sit back for a while with yourself.  

No television, no calls or texts, no internet, and just think about who you are and whether or not the things you do on a daily basis hold any benefit to your future and the youth you only get one chance to live.

Think about whether or not you're taking risks which could change the course of your life for the better.

Think about your purpose, your passions, and your necessary struggle.

Be You.

Grace and Peace,

-Drew

http://www.jdrewsilvers.com

Destiny Is Holding You Back - And It's All Your Fault...

When I was in Seminary there was a heated, nerdy argument I listened to for ten whole semesters that ran around in circles like two presidential candidates debating personal freedoms.  The source of this controversy had to do with whether or not there was such a concept as "predestination" for a person's life or if it was all based upon daily actions and interactions.  As I said, this went on, and on, and on, and was still going on when they kicked me out of seminary, so I'm willing to bet nothing has changed to this day.

After paying more attention to people outside of church culture and moving out on my own, I came to the conclusion that just as those who did not believe in predestination within the walls of my school were the minority, the same spoke true of everyone I met on the outside as well.

In the summer of 2009, I went to a Braves game with about a dozen people.  Half of these people had been friends of mine for a few years and the others were people I hadn't met prior - one of them being the girl I was sitting beside.  She and I talked the whole time and I found out she was in college at Georgia State, but had recently lost her job and was desperately looking for something new.  We exchanged information, hung out a few times after the game, and I ended up getting her a job at the country club where I worked.  There, she quickly became friends with my co-workers, became interested in one of them romantically, moved into his house (which is next door to mine) and five years later they are getting married about a month from the day I am writing this blog.

Now, I could run around telling people I introduced them and that it was some sort of predetermined stroke of universal or spiritual collision that brought the two of them together, but I don't.  Thinking back to that Braves game in 2009, I could have made a choice not to talk to her beyond that day and doing so would not have made any difference to me in the moment.  Actually, my friend who was sitting on the other side of me was interested in her at the time and I thought about moving over so he could sit next to her more than once.  Had I not stayed in contact with her beyond that day, she wouldn't have met her fiancee because there was honestly no other way they would have crossed paths otherwise.  Different cities, different interests, different faiths - us meeting on that summer day was the only bridge to them ever being connected.  It worked out and I'm happy for them.  However, I don't think the universe would have stopped and puppies would have drowned en masse in the sea if they hadn't met.  Their lives would just be very different than they are now and actually, so would mine.

I'm being a stick in the mud though and also being a complete killjoy about the lot of this idea, I know, but I am a realist.  The truth is that we want the romanticized idea of everything coming into perfect and complete alignment for the greater good of the world because that makes everything cute and interesting.  

It makes us go out looking for our destiny and expecting to find it.

It sets us up for disappointment.

Most people are looking for the Nicholas Sparks experience of true love and a romantic and longed for kiss in a thunderstorm, but we look so hard for the event that we overlook the entire journey.

I say this because I see people who continue to date those they are incompatible with because of one or two "redeeming" qualities which makes them overlook the more important inconsistencies of their character.  I'm not even thirty years old and can count a divorced couple of my age or younger I know personally on every one of my fingers.  The thing they all share in common?

They romanticized the "good" in their relationship to such a level that they ignored the more significantly skewed parts which had no staying or building power.

People who:

-Settled because their families convinced them it was right.

-Settled because their friends convinced them it was right.

-Settled because they thought they could do no better.

-Settled because of their age.

-Settled because they wanted kids.

And they have all fallen apart as I have watched.

Now, why the heck did I write this?

Well, the world of relationships is really messy and we're all making it worse because we over think everything.  A few years ago, I learned that making assumptions about people or situations generally doesn't work out well.  Especially when you make assumptions while blinded by romance within a relationship.  We spend too much time focusing on the big moments than we do just living the everyday experience and paying attention to what is happening around us.  It's why everyone is getting divorced, why everyone gets into an abusive relationship at some point, why everyone seems to settle, and why everyone overlooks what they should actually be looking out for.

All I am saying is that one little action you take at some point...

One person you decide to talk to...

Or don't...

One missed chance to smile at someone could change your life entirely as long as you don't overlook the smaller moments.

As long as you stop counting any moment as insignificant...

Grace and Peace,

-Drew

http://www.jdrewsilvers.com

The Truth About Being Abusive Towards Your Future...

When I was a teenager, one of my friends shoved me into the basement of an old school which had been abandoned for about thirty years (after taking my flashlight) and proceeded to close the door behind me.  This wasn't some act of mean-spirited bullying on anyone's part.  This was the stupid crap I did with my friends growing up.  I always tended to surround myself with the people who were looking for something unorthodox or atypical to do with their time.  You see, we never believed in routines, but we did believe in memories and experiences, even though a definition was never stuck to what we were doing.  Sometimes things are understood without having any relevant need to talk about them.

We believed in life.

We believed in letting life happen.

The thing is, we all get older and unfortunately when we "grow up" it more often than not means we have actually stopped growing.

Wait, what?

 Truthfully, I did the same thing for a few years as well.  Responsibilities, whether self-inflicted or based on circumstance have a tendency to change people in an extremely common cycle.  

I had these ideas and aspirations to do all sorts of things with my life and accomplish loads of goals - then I settled in like so many other people do and started the process of being boring instead.  Work for someone else, sleep, see the same people who live essentially the same life every week.  Five years later, I snapped out of it and realized I had to start investing in myself before it became too late to do such a thing.  

Don't get me wrong though, there are people who want nothing more than to live a simple life and have a routine mapped out for them until the day they die, but that isn't me.  Actually, it never was me, I was just sort of sucked into it because I had convinced myself that life was supposed to work that way since everyone else I knew at the time seemed to be in that pattern.  The truth is, I had stopped investing in myself during those years - losing sight of my goals and the things I was really wanting to do in life.

Currently, I try to live entirely without expectation because, that way, you don't leave much room for disappointment.  This applies to everything and some people misinterpret it as a lack of confidence when what I am actually doing is just letting life happen.  If having confidence requires a person to be needy, the world is in some serious trouble.  As an example, people have said things about me or made assumptions about my character or intentions without getting to know me fairly often.  While most others would try to defend themselves or "correct" skewed and incorrect mindsets, I have realized it's better just to walk away and write them off as a non-issue.

Why?

I don't expect anything of anyone anymore and trying to alter opinions creates dramatic situations almost all of the time.  Sometimes removing yourself from the situation is the best way to go about things.  The people who really matter are those who hold a strong confidence in your life and what you are doing - not those who form opinions on speculation from afar.  The former are the people who are genuinely interested in what you have to say and don't just ask questions to stir up smalltalk. If you don't know what I'm talking about, pay attention the next time someone asks you a question which requires a lenthgy reply.  See if they're actually paying attention to your answer or if they only asked to make you feel good about yourself. It's a weird human quirk. Redundant questions...

I believe in smaller circles of friends over big groups of acquaintances any day and this stems from my full desire to never be a cookie-cutter example of anything typical.  Hearing boring people say: 

"I was like you a few years ago, but one day you will *insert bullshit typical life example* just wait."

I want nothing more than to be nothing like that guy. 

When I think about this stuff it brings back that unspoken bond I had with my teenage friends.  They have all since settled in to whatever their lives have become. The one who pushed me into the basement is in a really good place. However, the others are just like anyone else in a young adult routine that they will be in for the rest of their lives. 

They don't seem very fulfilled... At all...

Surround yourself with not just people who support you, but also those who help you grow and want to see you succeed in every goal you have set.  You'll be able to simultaneously return the favor and find out what it means to grow together.  When you find someone like this, letting them walk away could be detrimental to your future and your life's goals could get overshadowed by compounded obligations that you only realize aren't fulfilling when you are stuck in a routine.

That was me.  

I found a way out.

Starting over is miserable and it's easy to fall back in line with "normal" people and just blend in.

Never get there in the first place.

Never blend in.

Give life everything you have, because failures help you grow and being typical helps nothing...

It may not be easy, but it is never too late.

Grace and Peace,

-Drew

http://www.jdrewsilvers.com

You're Making Your Life Complicated For The Sake Of "Comfort..."

Something has been bugging me lately and it is this silly little idea that has existed much longer than I have been alive.

Comfort.

Practically everyone is working towards comfort, but nobody is achieving this goal.  What I mean is that we have made living a completely comfortable life so complicated that nobody will ever really obtain such an existence.  

I have said it before, but everyone who reads pretty much anything online looks at the text from a viewpoint of them being the exception to whatever the subject matter may be.  How about not doing that for a minute and putting yourself on the plane of statistics where you are right on level with the other ninety-nine percent of the world?  Let's be honest, you are most likely not the exception.

People have told me that their goal in life isn't to be comfortable, but they look forward to the day they can leave their lackluster job and be a full-time retiree.  Well, then there is your contradiction - you are working for comfort.  Then there are those who say they are building up a retirement income but have no intention of actually retiring on-time, but are striving to build even more wealth to further their comfort later in life.  They work and work for a venture that usually does not leave a real mark on the world, but instead furthers the effort of someone else's business.  Sure, when you die, you may leave behind a pile of money, but cemeteries are full of people who made the same piles of money in their lifetime and have since been forgotten.

Now, before you go after me for saying I contradict myself for the past blogs I have written about chasing your passions - don't, we're not there right now.  Chasing a goal and having a passion in life is probably the most awesome thing a person can do and I fully support anyone who follows that level of fulfillment.  The problem is that the more time we spend filling our lives with the assumption that "one day" we will be carefree and comfortable enough to live an easy life, the more complicated we make every single moment instead of embracing those moments.  Again, put yourself on level with the majority and ask if you are really running down your passions or just falling in line in the pursuit of comfort.

I just like openness, personally, and that is where this entire blog comes from.  I'm not talking about personal privacy and being an open book, because that isn't for everyone.  What I am talking about is the ability to do something uncomfortable and run with it instead of falling in line with mediocrity to preserve your comfort and stay in that silly little bubble of yours.  

The truth is, the more comfortable you are with everything, the more opportunities you miss in life.  Those who step outside of what makes them comfortable are also the same people who thrive and live the most interesting and fulfilled lives as a whole.  

A popular topic currently is this idea of a missed opportunity.  

We miss opportunities or miss the ability to create our own opportunities when we are too focused on being comfortable or striving for comfort as our ultimate goal.  I really think we should all strive for being uncomfortable because that is what makes us interesting, lets us build upon new ideas and inspirations, and allows us to spend time chasing what really matters and can cause us to leave behind an incredible legacy.

The people who work normal hours and all they look forward to is being away from work so they can light up a joint or drink copious amounts of wine to escape where they have been?

What have they actually done and what will they be remembered for contributing to anything when all they are doing is trying to escape where they spend most of their time?
Their time spent running could be better spent pursuing.
If you're going to run from something, you may as well chase something else in the process, right?

You see, for a few solid years, I was that person when it came to alcohol.  I came home everyday and used drinking as my escape from working hard for someone else's gain.  Getting away from both my chemical crutch and comfortable job has left me on-edge and pretty uncomfortable for the past three years.  In that time, however, I have figured out who I am in a way that my prior vises would not have ever allowed of me.  I'm really uncomfortable, but I am the happiest I have been since I was on top of the world in my late teens.

I only wish I had figured this out much sooner.

Never miss an opportunity because speaking up or making a move caused you to be uncomfortable - you may miss the most pivotal moment of your life.

Be anything you want, but don't be ordinary. 

Grace and Peace,

-Drew

http://www.jdrewsilvers.com

There Is A Big Difference Between Being Rude And Being Honest.

There is this thing I do as a reactionary measure, not sometimes, but all of the time.  Some consider this action a personality flaw and others cannot handle it to the point that certain relationships have ended in my life as a result of this trait.  The truth is, I have not always possessed it and over time I have figured out that less and less people in the world see it as anything important with the way we have "progressed" as people over time.  

What am I talking about?

Honesty.

I spent the majority of my life walking on eggshells every single day, no matter where I was because the culture I was brought up in assimilated being a nice person with being a submissive person.  I'm not talking about being submissive in the context of bending over backwards and letting people walk all over me (though that happened sometimes too) but more in the sense of catering to everyone else's emotional state instead of being truthful to the real circumstances of the given situation.  

"You can't tell him he is a bad singer.  It will hurt his feelings."

"He asked to hang out and I don't want to.  I have to think up an excuse of what else I'm doing."

"I forgot to invite you."

"I didn't want him to come with us, but I didn't want to tell him 'no'."

Five years of my adult life were spent working for a golf management company that made me lie every single day.  The "normal" operations of every job under their umbrella required stretching the truth instead of being straightforward with honesty.  Unfortunately, this is common, not just in business, but also in daily life as I gave those examples of previously. 

After parting ways with my old career, I kept the same mindset of sparing the feelings of others under a mask of dishonesty for about a year - until I woke up and realized the fault in my ways.  I spent some time stepping back and thinking about the way people spoke to me and how I knew certain things they said were just precautionary pleasantries to make them feel better about their dishonesty.  Most of the time, this was nothing monumental or earth-shattering in the grand scheme of human existence, but little things add up over time and when you really think about the amount of lies people tell as opposed to real conversation, it makes for a really jaded lifestyle.  

Eventually I figured out that we don't really identify the difference between being rude and honest anymore.  When I was younger and pushing to make a mark in music, people asked me for opinions about their own talents all the time and I am pretty sure I hurt more than I helped.  I knew a girl who sang in tune really well and could throw down a great harmony in a group, but outside of that setting, her range and tone was very flat and had no depth to it, which is what happens when you are trained to sing in a chorus ensemble your entire life.  She would sing for me and I would try to be encouraging to her efforts by telling her that she sounded great.  "Technically" I wasn't telling a lie because she did sound great in a group, just not in how she had presented herself to me in that moment.  I should have told her the truth.

Don't get me wrong though, I don't go around telling people they suck at anything just because I have some entitled chip on my shoulder.  If you are awful at something and I am aware of it, I will keep my mouth shut... unless you ask me what I think.  You see, there is the difference between being rude and being honest with someone.  Rude people, walk around spouting off opinions and making unprovoked statements about other people and situations.  Honest people answer questions that have been asked of them by others.  

Make sense?

In the age we are in now where nobody seems to know the difference between criticism and bullying and where people would rather lie through their teeth the majority of the time than tell the truth, I made a personal vow not to conform to the downward spiral.  

The thing is, if I ask someone for their opinion on a situation or with anything I am doing, I am opening the door to criticism and expect honesty - positive or negative.  Because I expect this of everyone else concerning my own life, that is exactly what I give to them as well.  I have no desire to be lied to or have my "feelings spared" because all that does is hold me back and give me a false sense of security.  I would much rather grow than be coddled and have the world work for me under false pretenses.  

What does this mean?

If I give someone a compliment, I mean every word of it and that is something I never want to be put into question.  

If I go out of my way to help someone, it means I believe in them and whatever it is they are doing.

Sometimes we need to stop having expectations, stop trying to boost egos, and stop chasing ulterior motives concerning others.  None of that gets you anywhere in life and it certainly doesn't do anything to help anyone grow as a person.

Grace and Peace,

-Drew

http://www.jdrewsilvers.com

You'll Never Amount To Anything Unless You Define Who You Really Are...

Given enough time, we'll figure it out.  The problem is that time goes away as quickly as it sets in as a general rule for everyone.  I grew up in the generation which was taught that the world owed me something and that if I tried enough to conform and be like everyone else, the world would take care of me.  

When I watched movies as a kid, the ideal lifetime situation for every character of wealth and happiness went largely undefined but always involved a desk job.  This is the ideal I was taught, even though neither of my parents actually worked behind a desk for any portion of my life growing up.  However, thus was the closely guarded definition of success.  You work hard during the week, take two days off, put in five more days of sitting behind that coveted desk making important phone calls while wearing a suit you paid someone else to clean - process repeat.  Add a week of vacation - process repeat.

I don't drink anymore, but I hang out at bars sometimes.  Bartenders at three different local bars know me because I sit there and talk to people while I soberly write blogs and article topics down in one of my many spiral notebooks.  I do this to gain a perspective on how people think and most of those I speak with are a generation ahead of me and either successful or trying to fight their way to the top.  Recently, I met a man in his early forties who was recently divorced, had a younger teenage son, and another son who was soon to graduate from high school.  This man worked in finance for one of the largest shipping companies in the world, as shown by the rather large ring he wore on his right hand.  We talked about where I was trying to go in life, what I was writing about (federally-mandated safety regulations in cars) and how he was impressed with my level of commitment in life when most people my age would rather settle into whatever "normal" consists of than try to be something unique.

"I have a kid who is graduating from high school this year.  He got into UGA but he doesn't know if he wants to go and it's bugging the hell out of me.  I told him that I wanted him to go to college, get an education, and have a great career.  Then he can have a nice house, a nice car, and be like me.  I've provided pretty well for my family and I'm going to pay for everything when he goes to school.  Do you know what he said to me?"

"What?"

"He said: 'I don't want to be like you and sit behind a desk, stressed out over someone else's business.  It seems so boring to me.'  That's when it hit me, Drew.  Why would he want to be like me?  High up in a company that will still be turning profits when I die whether it be today, tomorrow, or after I retire.  I'm have a college degree, am wealthy, and divorced.  That sounds like everyone else I know.  I just never thought that wanting my kid to be better off than me would mean being the exact opposite of the person I am right now.  At this point, I don't care if he goes to college because his idea of success and happiness is completely different than mine.  But you know what?  If he gets out there for a year or two and decides he wants to go to school, he can still go.  But if I make him think that school is his only option, he could end up just like me.  I don't want that."

I didn't make any of that up.

  What you just read was a part of the conversation he and I had that night and the funny thing is, it was during our talk that he had his moment of clarity about his son.  He had been fighting the truth for a few months, but it took saying the whole thing out loud for him to actually believe what his mind was trying to tell him.  

A few weeks ago, I came up with this theory and I have been dissecting it over and over on a daily basis since then.  Outside of the specialized degrees you need in order to work in the medical field, law, or sciences, we are stepping farther and farther away from formal education.  My generation has done a really good job of scaring quite a few of the next batch of high school teenagers from accepting the massive amounts of student debt we have acquired in order to have the successes of those before us.  Some of these students are noticing that most of us don't have jobs in line with the degrees we have acquired, so what is the point of having it in the first place? 

I learned nothing more about Theology when I was in school that I couldn't have learned on my own by reading and staying committed to personal study.  The most (questionably) prolific thing I learned before they kicked me out of Seminary was how to write a research paper in the antiquated "Turabian" format, which I'm sure puts me in a better place with God, right?

Right.

My business skills were acquired through direct experience and my own trial and error over a course of many years.  I learned how to budget money and how to hold onto capital.  I learned risk taking through making expensive mistakes which I was accountable for entirely and am better off because of this.  

Some things you don't learn in school because you can read about them all you want to and bubble in answers on tests, or even write essays and research papers about the subject and still have no idea how to apply it properly.   

Sometimes I think the best learning can be done by real-world, practical experience.

I always wanted a nine to five job with a desk, open weekends to do the same thing, go to the same bars, with the same people who also held nine to five jobs.  I actually did that for a few years and drank too much in the process.

Then I woke up and realized how cookie-cutter and boring I was.  I learned (again, through experience) that there is more to life than being just like every other settled person in my circle.

Chase your passions instead of being normal.

Step back and see if your life is mechanical and common - change it.

If you don't have a struggle, find one.

Be your own definition of success - but be sure to actually define it.

The world owes you nothing and your life is exactly what you make of it.

Don't aspire to be like anyone.

You are your own best motivation and inspiration.

Grace and Peace,

-Drew

http://www.jdrewsilvers.com